Paul, you should have read my blog

Paul, if you'd read what I wrote below you would have seen that one coming.

The McCartneys and domestic abuse

Instead of just raising the profile of amputees let's thank Heather for raising the profile of men trapped in physically abusive relationships. Hopefully it will not only give them the courage to come forward and accuse their female partners but also that they might be taken seriously by the police and social services. Physically abusive women should be made to leave the home and custody of any children given to the non abusive partner. The divorce can follow once the abused and the children are safe.

The Royal Navy and blockading Korea

It seems that we don't have enough ships to contribute to the blockade of Korea we have demanded throught the UN. In World War II inadequate preparations and appeasement left the Royal Navy embarrassingly ill equipped to perform its role in war and suffered inordinately as a result. The solution in 1940 was the Destroyers for Bases Agreement when the US gave us fifty obsolete destroyers in exchange for chunks of the British Empire. Surely we could do something along these lines again. We could give the Channel Islands to the French, Gibraltar to the Spanish or rent back those ships we sold to the Indians or Chile. Alternatively we could just provide partial ships companies and do away with the hardware entirely.

Die young and leave a good looking corpse

After England’s increasingly abject performances the cry is no longer for 'Roooooney' (he’s back in case you missed it) but for Beckham. Well, why not just get the whole ex World Cup 2006 squad back together and form an 'England Reunited' squad. Then we could long ball our way through another four years and dive around the edge of the 12 yard box to take the chance out of qualification for tournaments based on another series of 'dead ball' free kicks. There's nothing wrong with underachieving and not progressing beyond the quarter finals. Who cares about winning anyway? Ok, Beckham is an ageing diva, but he was so nice and his post match apologies really helped. The last thing we need now is fresh talent, risk taking, challenging the status quo and trying to change things just on the off chance we might win something. Remember, it’s not all about winning, but losing while looking good - Is Sven still available?

Boris's 'gaffes'

Boris is a hero; compare his remarks to the bizarre recent view on veils of the man of Straw which is received with deferential nods by the media – no gaffe spotted there of course. I think the squirming embarrassment rather than robust support of his cabinet colleagues (Letwin on Question Time and Hague ‘eccentric’ on TV) brings their judgement into question not his - is it jealousy of the most popular boy in the class, recognising their lack of the common touch or plain naked ambition?

Times interlocutors

I’ve spotted a new trend amongst political journalists on the Times. OK, perhaps too small a group to constitute a trend, but it must be more than coincidence that both David Aaronovitch’s contribution today and good old Mary Ann (just call me Mary)’s contribution of 27 Sept seem to be trying to reinvent the common journalist or interviewer as an ‘interlocutor’. Perhaps this is a recent Times editorial policy diktat. Of course Mary’s (below) was rather more contrived. I’ve checked my dictionary and:

interlocutor

1. Someone who takes part in a conversation, often formally or officially.
2. The performer in a minstrel show who is placed midway between the end men and engages in banter with them.

but I’m still rather stumped as to which is appropriate or intended.

Whooa Mary

Mary Ann Sieghart, or just Mary to her friends, writes in the Times today about the Labour leadership. Of Reid ‘He needs to rein in his prolixity, though, and particularly his tendency to enumerate eight points that his interlocutor then has to sit through patiently.’ I think she needs reining in and a plain English course.

Heading for the Brown or already there?

The Telegraph wonders if we are worried that the UK could slump into recession next year? Well, it's not whether Gordon's policies will leave the country and us in the red or black; we're already up to our necks in Brown.

The Mail on Chinese organs

Intrepid media imperialist reporter Julie Wheldon screams in the Mail today ‘China accused of selling organs of executed prisoners’. Unfortunately, when confronted with this horror Chinese hospital officials in Northern China openly admitted where the organs came from. 'It's true we use a lot of organs from executed prisoners,' one official admitted. Er…. the point is that what we need in this county is organ donation unless specifically stated otherwise, i.e. opt out rather than opt in: and that would be a good presentational solution in China too. Why should anyone want to take organs with them and deny life and health to someone else? What this reporter has sought to achieve is to condemn more sufferers to a long, slow and painful death. She has set out to show the Chinese as backward and barbaric and in doing so has demonstrated the relentless cultural arrogance of the West without pausing to think that we might just have something to learn ourselves. Instead of sending Christian missionaries to ‘civilise’ Africa we now send Mail reporters to ‘civilise’ China.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=407361&in_page_id=1770

Hurray for Cherie

.... that's it

Burning ring

The Mail reports that Relate is welcoming a ‘Remember Ring’ (cost £400) that will give men a burning sensation in their hand on their wedding anniversary to add to the burning sensation in their pocket. If this fails no doubt Relate will be endorsing a rolling pin over the head and finally electrodes attached to men’s privates to stop them having affairs. What about a burning ring to remind wives to get the supper ready or do the ironing?

Danger, hypocrites at work

Meanwhile, the Luddite like Royal Society has published a re-examination of the stomach contents of fellow dinosaur, the Coelophysis, and calmly overturned the established reputation of this 200 million year old as a cannibal. Yup, got it - this is great science whereas climate change is entirely fossilised. Brilliantly the last meal might be crocodile rather than one of its own or even an accident of geology: er... dying on top of your own kind (no mention of pregnancy!!). Let’s hope examination of our civilisation 200 million years hence sheds similar dazzling insights into our demise and might suppose climate change 'science' avoidance.... or acceptance done us in. Yeah I know about eggs - just hypothesising ..........

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/5361170.stm

The Royal Society knows best - end of discussion

Some fellow in the revered Royal Society of something (whatever) has written a pompous letter to US company Exxon telling them off for not towing the party line on climate change. Exxon is cheekily not only sceptical of the Green agenda but are actively providing funds to organisations that might share their view or challenge the existing view. “Morally and intellectually bankrupt” I cry. Surely Exxon realises that there can be no debate on this whatsoever and that the truth has already been agreed by the Royal Society. Meanwhile, a sceptic myself, I have carried out some unfunded research using the Guardian’s own link to a definitive idiot’s guide. Gallant save the world heroes are drilling Antarctic ice and plotting CO2 and temperature going back 500,000 years to disprove recent sceptics who shamefully point out that the thermometer was only invented a couple of hundred years ago and as such might not prove irrefutable evidence for climate change since the beginning of time as the Royal Society has so frequently directed us to believe. But a quick glance seems to show that, rather than facing unprecedented temperature and CO2 change, the earth has gone through at least three previous and almost identical periods of change in a surprisingly regular cycle of about 125,000 years commencing with a rapid rise, peak about where we are now and then gradual cooling. But sorry, I forgot, no independent thought required otherwise the Royal Society will be writing to me – or will it be Galilean house arrest? Link below:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/flash/0,,1267004,00.html

The Pope's infallible stupid

William Rees-Mogg in defending the Pope states that “nowadays Islam is the only major religion in which violence is a serious doctrinal issue.” But Islam is under threat, or it’s followers perceive it to be, not from Christianity but from secular Western culture; and exporting violence is very much a serious part of that culture. The US/UK led wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and Israel in Lebanon are secular wars by primarily secular states against a specific religious Islamic enemy. Couched in those terms then Islamic violence might just be a reasonable response. As for suicide bombers, let’s not forget that Christianity is based on an act of premeditated self killing – look above any church altar and what do you really see, murder or suicide? Finally, the model of western democracy, the culture we seek to impose on Islamic states, is not one of a religious society. Islam may well be spreading the word of God in an evangelistic and intolerant way into a religious vacuum, but I’m not certain God would entirely disapprove given his record.

Sob, sob - Brown relaunches

I am digusted that Brown is parading his grief over the tragic death of his child on TV in order to rescue his reputation as a self obsessed, back stabbing introvert. Meanwhile, his policies around the world are depriving other familes of their children while he grins away. Vile, vile, vile.

Child seats for short 12 year olds - time for a trantrum

From 18 September, short children up to the age of 12, i.e. up to the height of 135 cm, will have to use safety seats or face a £500 fine. Bizarre: Government control freakery at its most ridiculous. How on earth do they expect the school run or dropping off a 12 year old at a party to work if your child's 'under size'. Clearly these people do not have children. This is a case for advice not law and the safety of children should largely be a matter for parents. Normal people of Britain rise up, ignore this silly law and choke the courts.

Hang on to those comfortable old shoes

The Mail to today fears that office affairs are like no real news days: inevitable. Well, I am always being approached by young women to have an affair at work but I have always been firm with them and say 'Look, I know you find me very attractive and understand your infatuation because I am a dominant, successful and powerful alpha male, but my wife is like a comfortable pair of old shoes and adores me, I value the opinion my fellow workers too much and have to think about the affect on the team’. This usually works, but if it doesn’t I add ‘If you're worried about promotion, this isn’t the way to go about it you know’. Perhaps other men should give it a try.

Dumber and dumber – the intelligence war

Recently, post Blair’s holiday flight, I watched the start of a very bad, very old film, ‘Die Hard with a Vengeance’, I think with Bruce, where a vengeful baddy was using ‘binary liquids’ to blow up New York. How come it has taken so long for this to penetrate the huge minds of intelligence services as a real threat rather than just Hollywood - (but you’re probably reading this so perhaps you can tell me). I think the opening up of M15 recruiting to the masses means that there are now significantly more analysts who have spent too much time watching Eastenders, Love Island and Die Hard rather than grinding through bone dry intelligence reports. Or is the assumption that home grown terrorists will try to ‘do a Hollywood’ – scant evidence I think. Anyway, what’s next then? I shall also be reviewing old films and trying to predict some future government publicity stunts.

Terrorism - the 'Lightning Standard'

My attempts to liven up the school run by sharing my early morning thoughts with my step daughter on how much longer it would take if I went the long way around the world were met by stony silence if I was lucky – but that’s genetics, or teenagers for you. But as we seem no longer able to believe the Government even when it comes to the likelihood or means of terrorists blowing up planes (some survey says so apparently, so I’m not alone) why don’t we let the airlines decide. In the Times today maths proves that getting killed by lightning is comparable to that of terrorism; so airlines could adapt the Government security alert system to the ‘Lightning Standard’ – 2 would be twice as likely as being struck by lightning, 0.5 half as likely etc. and so much more understandable than Red, Amber, er… Black?. Passengers could then choose, for instance, to fly ‘cheap and dangerous’ or ‘expensive, but with parachute’. And then getting blown up would be like not having enough leg room or getting DVT. That should cheer up a few breakfasts – especially if you can afford one in flight.

I’ll take the black eye every time

Sean Connery’s ex wife, Diane Cilento, carelessly told Playboy in 1965: ‘I don't think there is anything particularly wrong about hitting a man. An open-handed slap is justified…. If a man is a bastard, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I’d do it.’ No problems there then…. oh, sorry, that was Sean about women; so he’s a vile brute. Anyway, Diane, 40 years later and aged 72, is talking for the ‘first time’ (amongst other things we assume) about a balmy night in the same 1965 when she recalls, ‘I was drunk, once inside our room in the darkness, I felt a blow to my face and was knocked to the floor and passed out for a few seconds.’ Mmmmm, ok. This, she hopes, is enough to make you rush out and buy her book. Isn’t it a shame that every ex-celeb ‘life story’ seems to rely on at least one nasty episode of sex or violence, or better both, and rubbishing someone else’s life to sell. Meanwhile, vile Sean has no way of responding. Too often reputations and lives are gratuitously destroyed. Is this really fair I wonder or is it just equally nasty blackmail? If I had to choose between a slap and having my life and reputation dragged through the gutter I’d go for the black eye every time. I’m sure Sean would agree.